IF SEINFELD WAS AN AFL TEAM...

FB:      Mike Moffit             -    Cosmo Kramer   -        Izzy Mandelbaum

HB:     Kenny Bania           -       Lloyd Braun       -        Jackie Chiles

C:        Jerry Seinfeld          -      Joe Bookman      -    Duncan Meyer

HF:      J Peterman              -  'Crazy' Joe Davola   -      Elaine Benes

FF:       George Costanza    -      David Puddy        -       Newman

R:         Jimmy       -       Yev Kassem (The Soup Nazi)   -      Tony

Int:       Jean-Paul     -      Mr Kruger       -       Mickey Abbott

             Sue Ellen Mishke    

Coach:  George Steinbrenner

Assistant Coach: Stan the Caddy

Strength and Conditioning: Morty 'Eat a Plum' Seinfeld

Runner: Frank Costanza

#1 Ticket Holder: This guy

Now for my favourite part- the rationale!

Defence- Starting from the full-back line we have Mike Moffit, Cosmo Kramer and Izzy Mandelbaum. Mike is your Mr Fix-It; your jack of all trades; in this case, your back-pocket plumber! Kramer could have played anywhere down the spine of this team, but I felt he most closely resembled Dustin Fletcher. He's rangy, flexible and, as shown by his near-foray on the senior golf tour, Kramer will only get better with age. Izzy Mandelbaum is the leader of the back six who is capable of the most inspiring team talks you're ever likely to here. When you hear "it's go time" you know the onus is on you to do your best for Izzy. Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum!

There is no shortage of class on the half-back line. Kenny Bania- the fish eating the shark's laughs- will be camped behind Jerry Seinfeld's wing cutting off anything that gets by. Lloyd Braun, at centre half-back, may have a screw loose but he will fight for the ball like a junkyard dog. I can hear it now, Frank Costanza getting in the heads of the opposition CHF each week with calls of "you never could compete with Lloyd Braun!" Jackie Chiles, as well as being the most eloquent member of the team, brings a surety to the defensive half that every team needs.

Midfielders- With Jerry Seinfeld and Duncan Meyer on either wing this team has the sort of speed that will strike fear into opposition teams, but only if they can put aside their differences. With Lt. Joe Bookman in the engine room you have one of the most committed men to ever lace-up a boot. There is no pleasure in the game for Joe; it is strictly business. Cross him at your peril.

The ruck was perhaps the most difficult position to pin down, and there may be some rotation from centre half-forward, but for now Jimmy has the nod. His leap, much like Jeff White before him, belies his height and his basketball background sees his taps to advantage stats lead all comers.

As if the onball tenacity of Joe Bookman wasn't enough, I've added The Soup Nazi to the midfield mix. A misunderstood character, Yev Kassem puts his heart and soul into matters that he cares deeply about. While he has made it quite clear that he won't be waxing on the field with a certain Ms Benes, he is prepared to put his disdain for man-kind aside for the good of the team. When I drafted my 22 originally, I sat back and acknowledged that the midfield lacked brilliance- it was then I remembered Tony. Tony (the mimbo) is athletic, fearless and, after his massive facial trauma, will be more than happy to put his head over the ball.

Forwards- J Peterman is a bit of a wildcard on the half-forward flank. He's a mysterious character, yet disciplined, which is a key asset in what is a largely erratic forward line. 'Crazy' Joe Devola, much like Lloyd Braun at centre-half back, is insane. But he has a large frame and an outstanding leap, as evidenced in The Pilot episode. Elaine is tenacious and won't take any crap from opposition players. And she has the moves.

George has been placed in a forward pocket using the Under 12's selection policy; I don't know where else to put him, so forward or back pocket it is. George has an intimate knowledge of sports, yet any reference to him playing sport reveals him to be horrendous- a chucker. Puddy, like Davola ahead of him, brings another big frame to the forward 50 and he is also a sports nut. Newman is our diamond in the rough. He's a fantastic tennis player and can climb trees like a ring-tailed lemur, suggesting his athleticism belies his plump frame. And, albeit not a Seinfeld reference, he got playing time in Space Jam- that's a massive tick!

Interchange- Jean-Paul is a freak athlete, yet is still some way short of peak fitness following a freak scalding accident. Mr Kruger adds another strong key position player to the mix. Mickey Abbott, a little person, is the stand-in for anyone that gets injured, while Sue Ellen Mischke has been named purely to serve as a distraction. She has a proven track record in this area and should prove to be quite an asset.

Team Chemistry- There are a number of personality clashes in this side, so I can see the tension constantly boiling just under the surface. Starting from the back....
Mike- Jerry broke his thumbs and allegedly tried to kill him, while George and Mike had a major dispute about a parking spot.
Kramer- Joe Davola kicked Kramer in the side of the head; Peterman suspects him of being a drug dealer; Kramer dribbled water on the ground which led to Jimmy's serious injury; Kramer sued Sue Ellen.
Izzy- Had less than pleasant dealings with both Jerry and Morty, resulting in the whole Mandelbaum family being laid-up in hospital with bad backs.
Bania- Kenny is a pretty affable character, and would have grounds to hold grudges against Kramer and Jerry, but should be no trouble.
Lloyd- Frank fired him and George was the major reason behind said sacking. There is also some sexual tension between Lloyd and Elaine.
Jackie- The gang (Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer) were responsible for besmirching his good name in the legal world.
Jerry- Too many to list. Will be tension with Mike, Izzy, Bania, Jackie, Bookman, Duncan, Davola, Newman and Sue Ellen.
Bookman- Bookman has beef with Jerry, and Jerry alone.
Duncan- Jerry, for beating him in the 100m dash on two occasions while cheating.
Peterman- He fired Elaine; he holds George responsible for killing his mother, and suspects Kramer of being a drug dealer.
Davola- Tried to kill Kramer, put the kibosh on Jerry, and feels rejected by Elaine.
Elaine- Similar with Jerry, too many to rationalise. Lloyd, Jackie, Peterman, Davola, Puddy, Frank, Sue Ellen and, most of all, the Soup Nazi.
George- As above... Mike, Jackie, Peterman, the Soup Nazi, Jimmy and Tony.
Puddy- Elaine, mostly, and potentially Kramer for reviving his fear of germs.
Newman- His irrational hatred of Jerry will be a major threat to team chemistry. Is in love with Elaine, so could be some tension there.
Jimmy- Kramer for causing him harm. George for destroying his business.
Yev- Elaine for destroying his business. George for not ordering properly.
Tony- George for letting go of the ropes while rock climbing, causing major facial trauma.

OPERATION USA 2014 - PART 3

LOS ANGELES
Day three in Los Angeles was a rather tame one. JL and I were up early to pay Universal Studios a visit. I can't remember exactly what it cost, but whatever it was it was too much. One of the most exhilarating aspects of the theme park was choosing different lines to queue in and seeing who would reach the ticket window first- I won.

There were a number of enjoyable rides and experiences at Universal Studios, but those memories have been dimmed by a piece of news we received the next day. Going on The Mummy ride eight times; The Transformers ride five times; meeting a man in a suit dressed as Scooby Doo; getting insulted by Optimus Prime- all lovely memories clouded by the knowledge of Six Flags Magic Mountain. It turns out we bypassed the home of the most rollercoasters in the world for a theme park made for people a generation younger (or older) than us.

I asked Optimus Prime if he would (mock) punch me in the face. He said he'd never hurt a human. He proceeded to hurt me emotionally with a well-executed barb directed at my t-shirt. Cheers Optimus!

No matter. We move on.

To yet another NBA game, coincidentally enough. But this was no regular NBA game. This was a pre-season game that was held smack-bang in the middle of the regular season. What's that you say... How can this be? Well, when we took out our $90 apiece tickets for the game for the first time (LA Lakers hosting the Phoenix Suns) they stated that the match we would be seeing was on October 2... we were there on November 4. It wouldn't be an overseas trip without a ticket balls-up! Thank god for scalpers is all I will say. Kobe put up 40 and Isaiah Thomas put on a bit of a show in an ultimately tight game in which the Suns prevailed. With Vegas on the horizon for the next day, we were in no mood to mess around post-game and were back at the hostel within the hour and asleep not long after.

The trip to Vegas was the one leg of our holiday that we chose to drive, rather than fly. We set off in another Uber- the driver of which informed us of Six Flags Magic Mountain- for the car hire joint. Now, I'm not much of a driver. I've lived without a car for over a year and probably drive on average once a month, so I made my intentions quite clear that I would prefer to sit in the back and get a solid afternoon drunk going rather than drive the hire car. This was agreed upon quite amicably; I suspect this was in no small part due to the others being afraid of what I was capable of behind the wheel on the other side of the road- I'm fine with that.

We are sensible lads. Before heading to the rental joint we went online and booked a car; a Nissan of some description. But, upon arrival, the first two cars we saw were Mustangs. These beautiful steeds were there for the taking, while our rather plain-looking Nissan sat there awaiting a safe, responsible journey to Vegas. Now this Mustang couldn't fit all our luggage, the person in the back (me) would most likely snap a hamstring tendon and it had far too much horsepower for us to handle. But, it was a Mustang...

What car did we choose? Was our trip to Vegas a smooth one? Did I snap my hamstring tendon?! Find out next time.

OPERATION USA 2014- PART 2

LOS ANGELES
Day one in Venice concluded with a boozy night watching more football in the bar below our hostel and my first experience of tipping. As someone who disputes the concept of 'tipping', I was happy to pay the suggested minimum and be on my way. Sadly, my travel companions didn't feel the same way and we quickly found ourselves over-tipping on a consistent basis, as much out of uncertainty as drunkenness.

Day two was a classic tourist kind of day. This is all very well and good, but to paraphrase Robert Downey Jnr in Tropic Thunder- "You went full tourist, man. Never go full tourist." The day started innocently enough with a trip to the Griffith Observatory to get a glimpse of the Hollywood Hills and the greater LA area. Beautiful day, beautiful views, still no bobcat sightings but there was encouragement after seeing a fawn cascading down the mountain; the big cat would surely reveal himself soon. Back to it, and from the Observatory we hopped in an Uber bound for Hollywood Boulevard and the Walk of Fame.

If you take one thing from this blog, and even that might be a stretch, it is to seek out Ubers rather than taxis at every chance you get. They're considerably cheaper, the drivers are friendly and tend to be locals, and they are as keen to make it to the destination alive as you are.

Upon leaving the Uber we were ambushed by a rapper with CDs in one hand and headphones in the other. After delivering a back-handed compliment to our attire- something I would grow accustomed to over the next few weeks- he proceeded to place the headphones over my head and a CD in my hand. Now I was thinking to myself "cool, free CD" while JL and Blainey looked at me as if to say you poor sap. Once that CD is in your hand, you have bought it. The only variable is how much you're prepared to shell-out for a signed CD that you will never listen to again. $10 later and I had learned my lesson, but unfortunately I was now tainted. Every aspiring rapper or comedian who had seen the Australian tourist freeze like a deer in the headlights now wanted a taste, and I'm not proud to say that I parted with another $10 before making it out of the ambush.

Say no to everyone! We had a running joke that someone could be about to offer you $100, and by the end we would still preempt their offer with a cold 'no'. Which in the end momentarily cost me a free packet of potato chips outside the Coliseum in Oakland, until JL realised that JL doesn't like his chips spicy.

After perusing the Hollywood Walk of Fame for an hour or so, desperately seeking the stars of Jerry Seinfeld and Emilio Estevez- neither of which exist- we settled on a lovely establishment for lunch. In the interests of the two members of our travelling party with girlfriends who were slightly embarrassed to frequent this establishment, I'll leave the name out. Suffice to say, it was Hooters.

With around four hours until tip-off of our first NBA game, we booked another Uber and headed back to the hostel to change. This was our first experience of Los Angeles traffic at its notorious worst, and it was horrendous. A trip back to the hostel then on to the Staples Center should take around an hour max, yet we spent the next two and a half hours in the same car; first listening to calming Latino music, before the driver got a little more comfortable and chucked on some System of a Down. We proceeded to get a lesson in his Armenian heritage and the persecution of his people in the past few hundred years. I can't remember specifics, I was in over my head.

This was the one game on our trip where we had premium seats, to the point where there was a 'runner' tending to our area fetching drinks and food. Unfortunately this was the first of a number of occasions where not having my passport handy would come back to haunt me, as I was refused service. There were ways around it, but it's such a blow to the ego to get knocked-back at the age of 25. The Jazz put up a good fight, and Dante did a few great things, but it was the Clippers aka Lob City that got the W on this occasion.

Post-game we found a bar not far from the Staples Centre to have a few drinks, and at this point JL was maintaining his streak of two Jager bombs per night... It wouldn't last.

Day three was the day we made what would prove to be the worst decision of our entire life- choosing a visit to Universal Studios over the home of the biggest rollercoasters on the planet!

OPERATION USA 2014 - PART 1

On a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles- the last leg of our journey before returning home to Australia- I took a few moments to record 10 things I learned from the trip. Looking back now I realise I was being incredibly negative. As a case in point, #1 on the list was:
Americans are generally pigs. Further to this, they seem more than content being pigs and will remain pigs for generations to come. 
Now I'm not saying that this isn't a fact (it absolutely is) but for this to be the number one thing I took away from 16 days in the USA is more than a little morbid. To adequately reflect on my trip, it seems only appropriate to start from the beginning...

LOS ANGELES
Touching down at LAX after 13 hours on a plane should have been a relief, but when you're facing the prospect of US Customs for the first time it's no time to relax. There were three desks open. At these three desks sat three men that looked like they hadn't cracked a smile between them in a decade, or at least since the last time they took someone in the backroom and kicked the shit outta them.

Those of you that know me will know that I can get irrationally nervous, and with said nervousness can come a biblical flop sweat- thankfully this experience was over in a flash and my blushes were spared.

Our journey originated at Melbourne Airport, which is quite a pleasant place with a number of food outlets, bars, newsagents etc. LAX, for anyone that has never been there, is a hell hole and a horrible place to spend more than five minutes as we found on the flight home.After hailing a cab-  one of the few we would take for the entirety of the trip- the first thing that struck me was the abundance of palm trees, and the amount of business names jumping out at me as a result of an encyclopaedic Seinfeld knowledge. Arbie's; Jiffy Lube; diners on every second corner; apparent Mom and Pop-type businesses lining the streets- familiar names that had little meaning to me before, and still don't.

We arrived at our hostel, situated 50 metres away from the iconic Venice boardwalk, with three goals for the day: find an In-N-Out burger establishment, visit the Santa Monica pier and, being Sunday, find a bar to get a taste of American culture and watch some football. In-N-Out Burger, a west coast institution, delivered the goods right down to the comically oversized large drink. Remarkably it proved to be the one and only time we would consume this delicious fare for the entire trip. While Blainey went off to buy a US sim card- a decision that I would grow envious of after seeing my bill upon arriving home- JL and I found a sports bar which more closely resembled a biker hangout from the outside looking in.

A critical piece of information we learned, on our very first day in the States, is that there is really no such thing as a sports bar. Every bar is a sports bar, particularly on a Sunday.

On this particular day the Oakland Raiders gave the Seattle Seahawks a scare, the 49ers lost at home to the Rams and the Patriots gave the Broncos an almighty thrashing. All three games were being shown on multiple TVs in a bar half the size of Ballarat's own JD's. Each game had a captive audience and, with action on all fronts, it was hard to know where to look. Being a fair-weather NFL fan prior to the trip, this was the first of a number of experiences which has convinced me that it has more substance than other American sports.

The less said about the Santa Monica pier the better. I have no idea how it attracts so many people; perhaps Americans and tourists alike are drawn-in by the pretty lights? Who knows.

NEXT UP WE TAKE A LOOK AT OUR TRIP TO HOLLYWOOD... SNEAK PEAK- I WAS TAKEN FOR A RIDE BY TWO ASPIRING RAP ARTISTS, AND WE VISITED HOOTERS